Being a Midpoint Dad means living in the heart of the Sandwich Generation—raising my little girl while also making care decisions for my parents. When caring for an aging parent, every decision feels heavy, personal, and permanent. You want to honor their independence, protect their safety, and somehow hold onto the relationship you’ve always known.
This post isn’t about having all the answers—it’s about what it feels like to walk through those moments with love and grace, and what I learned along the way.
Navigating Memory Care: A Journey of Love, Guilt, and Doing What’s Best for Mom
In early 2020, my mom called me and said she was tired of cooking, cleaning, and living alone. She didn’t want to move in with family, but she was ready for a change. She asked me to help her find an assisted living community. We found a nice one, and she moved in right before her 80th birthday.
Neither of us could have known that a worldwide pandemic was just weeks away.
The Early Days: Loneliness in Lockdown
When the world shut down, assisted living facilities were among the most isolated places on earth. Families couldn’t visit, group activities stopped, and residents were confined to their rooms for long stretches of time. It was heartbreaking knowing Mom was surrounded by people, yet still so alone.
She did her best to adjust. She made friends, participated in small activities when restrictions lifted, and found moments of joy. But over time, I noticed the small changes—forgetfulness, confusion, and the slow, subtle decline that’s easy to dismiss until it isn’t.
The Diagnosis and Difficult Decisions
In November 2023, my wife was seven months pregnant when Mom was diagnosed with dementia. It was a season of joy and heartbreak intertwined—preparing for a new life while watching another slowly fade.
My wife, incredibly compassionate, suggested Mom move in with us. It was one of the most loving things anyone could offer. But our home wasn’t senior-friendly—lots of stairs, no safety features—and I didn’t want her risking her own health or our unborn baby’s trying to help Mom. So I began researching memory care facilities.
I didn’t know where to start. I toured several, asked questions I didn’t even know how to frame, and finally found one that felt right. It was clean, the staff seemed patient and kind, and the residents looked genuinely cared for.
Still, Mom didn’t want to move. She loved her community and her friends. But after she started wandering outside in the middle of the night, it was clear she wasn’t safe. Moving her into memory care was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I felt incredible guilt and sadness. It’s a chapter I wish she never had to live—but I also know it was the safest, most loving choice we could make.
What I Learned About Choosing Memory Care
If you’re facing a similar decision, here are a few things I learned along the way:
1. Visit More Than Once
Tour at different times of day. Morning visits might look different than afternoons or weekends. Observe how staff interact with residents and whether people seem genuinely engaged and content.
2. Ask the Tough Questions
Ask about staffing ratios, training, and turnover. Ask how they handle residents who wander or have behavior changes. Ask about emergency response, medication management, and family communication.
3. Look Beyond the Décor
A beautiful lobby doesn’t always mean great care. Focus on staff warmth, cleanliness, and whether residents are treated with dignity and respect.
4. Trust Your Gut
If something feels off, pay attention. Choosing memory care is as much about heart as it is about facts.
Paying for Memory Care: What to Know
Memory care can be expensive, and every family’s financial situation is different. Here are a few things to consider:
Plan ahead. Even if your parent doesn’t need memory care now, learning about options and costs early can make future transitions less stressful.
Consult a tax professional or elder law attorney. There are often ways to pay for care that minimize tax implications. For example, paying the facility directly for your parent’s care is usually not considered a “gift,” but depositing money into their account can trigger gift tax issues.
Ask about medical expense deductions. In some cases, a portion (or all) of memory care costs can qualify as deductible medical expenses.
Explore veterans’ benefits or long-term care insurance. Some families overlook these resources, but they can make a huge difference.
Closing Thoughts
Moving a parent into memory care isn’t giving up—it’s showing up in a different way. It’s an act of love wrapped in heartbreak. You’re not abandoning them; you’re ensuring they’re safe, cared for, and surrounded by people trained to support them.
If you’re walking through this season, give yourself grace. None of this is easy, but you’re doing the best you can—and that’s enough.
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